“Right now we're stading at a massive point of rebirth.” Lars Ulrich, Metallica

I've been pondering how to write about today.  This is the day my baby boy finishes elementary school.  As coincidence would have it, it's also one of my best friend's divorce day.  Heavy day to take in.

At first I thought I'd use some quotes to reflect the day.  There is such change, such bittersweet, such melancholy.  But I'm just not sure these two events deserve the same feelings.

When you are in a child's life, the downfall, as I've said many times, is if you do your job, they move on.  The clear sign that I've given that child the support and tools they need is when they leave.  Or distance themselves.  Or grow up.  My boy is ready for the next challenge.  *sigh*

Divorce is a different kind of change.  It shares the same bittersweet and melancholy, but is entirely different.  I can't bring myself to type if you've done your marriage well because there is too much gray in that area.  When people get divorced, that doesn't mean they failed.  You give it your all, and sometimes, beyond control, it doesn't work.  Sometimes people grow and change in positive, distinctively different ways.  Sometimes dark times cannot be forgiven and forgotten.  My son and my friend's events share change and future, but divorce is plagued with the difficult challenge of rebirth.

So today I watch my friend and my son move forward.  Hesitantly move forward.  Change and growth are in the air.  So is a sadness of all that's left behind.

What do I write to them?

To my dear friend:  Learn and grow from the darkness.  Embrace the warmth to come.  You deserve all the friendship and love in the world.  If times get tough, just remember that tomorrow will be better.  You always have me.  And beer. 

Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”

― Gerard Way

“Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses toward growth.”

"Sometimes, good things fall apart, So better things can fall together." 
 - Marilyn Monroe

For my son:  You have been a wonder to watch through these years.  You came into this world a silly blue eyed boy, and continue to live life with that happiness.  You are focused and serious, and then goofy and funny.  I love this balance you have.  I think it will serve you well in life.  You strive for greatness, which will be yours.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed:
Yes!  You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
-Dr. Seuss

For both of you.  When you feel scared.  When you feel frustrated.  When your locker won't open or you feel lonely:

"Taking one foot and putting it in front of the other, that is the only way to travel forward...If however you take steps forward whilst looking backward; well -then you will fall over because you end up tripping over something you would easily have seen if looking where you were going in the first place. So, when looking back just stay still for a moment, allow yourself to reflect, but then you must at some point turn around and just keep moving - or you will stagnant on the spot which means going nowhere at all."

 -Jacquelene Close Moore

39 things I've learned in 39 years

*Ya, that's right.  I'm not actually 29.

1. Good friends are in your heart, even when they aren’t always in your life.

2. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

3. Setting goals is important. Being flexible is more important.

4. Regrets can only hinder you. If you can’t change it, move on.

5. Don’t leave things unsaid with people you care about.

6. Money is important, but it’s not everything.

7. Mistakes are not only okay, they are necessary.

8. Listen to your intuition. It is seldom wrong.

9. Don’t burn bridges. You never know when you’ll need one.

10. Learn to recognize when you just shouldn’t use that bridge again.

11. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. No one else can do that for you.

12. Have perseverance. In time, you can conquer anything.

13. Time changes everything.

14. Your own perspective is just your opinion.

15. With great joy, remember there will also be great pain. The balance is unavoidable.

16. Don’t hold grudges. They serve no one.

17. Invest in relationships, not things.

18. Hate never moves you in a positive direction. Let it go.

19. Give more than you take.

20. Work hard, play hard. Nuf’ said.

21. Don’t forget to daydream. It feeds your soul.

22. Until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, don’t judge them.

23. Model tolerance and humanity.

24. Don’t waste your time worrying what others think of you. At the end of the day, you are the only one that has to live with yourself.

25. Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. Just like shoes that are too small, you will eventually have to take them off just to be happy.

26. When working, any job, anywhere, be a professional.

27. There is no shortcut to hard work. Those that appear to have found it, will, in time, end up where they started.

28. You can’t beat a liar. Don’t even try. Just move on.

29. Never let go of the child in you.

30. Take responsibility for your missteps.

31. Don’t live in fear of what might happen or you will miss all that did happen.

32. You can’t change people. You can only change yourself.

33. You can’t make people do things. In return, no one can make you do anything.

34. It is never too late to start something new.

35. Choose jobs and careers that you like.

36. Remember, sometimes, to throw caution to the wind.

37. Embrace any serendipitous moments in your life.

38. Pain happens. Suffering is your choice.

39. Love with all your heart.

Math frustrations

Remember all those times when your parents told you life isn't fair?

Remember when you realized they were right?

Remember when you had to share that bit of wisdom with your own kids, and watch their bewildered, crestfallen faces absorb this information?

Grrr.

Dominic was chosen for a math Olympiad team at his school.  And yes-- I'm sure you're asking if Chris was a little amused by this.  He has called them the denominators and asked if they were getting matching t-shirts.

The arbitrary group of four that compete together that he was placed in includes a child my son doesn't care for.  Actually, this kid bugs me, too.  This child can be best described as a really smart screw off.

Dominic went to two practices, and came home frustrated and agitated at this other child.  I asked if he needed me to intervene.  He firmly said he thought he could handle it.  Turns out, he couldn't.

I talked to the teachers in charge, and they were disappointed I hadn't said anything sooner.  This was not in reflection of my son.  Just a fact.  These teams are already established and they can't change them.  The only option is for Dominic to drop out and be replaced by someone else.

When I explained this to him, he realized he would have to spend the competition day with this other child.  His exact words were, "No way am I spending eight hours in competition with (unmentioned name!)"

So... he forfeits his spot.

I feel frustrated for him.  I feel frustrated, too.

It is very hard to gage when to say something, when to see if it gets better, or when to give up.  I didn't want to be that parent that came in after just one practice and complained.  I assumed (yes, my first mistake) that they would tell me to just wait and see how it plays out.  I guessed wrong.  They would have changed the teams.

Now it's too late.

There is no fault here.  It just is what it is.  And why?  Right- because life's not fair.

Now I get to give him the second part of that lesson:  Life's not fair, and it never changes.

Time for some change

For a brief span in seventh grade, a group of my friends nicknamed me patsy.  Not because I could belt out Blue like the legendary Patsy Cline.  Because I was, well, a patsy. 

They were amused that they could ask me to do anything, and I would.  Could you get this for me?  Could you do this for me?  Yup.  It looked like a sign of weakness to them.  Amusement.  They didn't understand that this tolerance and kindness would shape who I am today.

Those of you that know me, and my tiger of a personality, are probably puzzled by this.  I know, I can be fierce.  But you also have to notice that I am kind.  I may back you in a corner with fire in my eyes, but I will also never say no to a favor.  My insides are truly marshmallow softness.

My Gandhi-like nature has served me well in life.  You really do catch more flies with honey than manure.  Recently, I encountered something I didn't think I had the softness, or strength, to do.

A year or two ago, I was involved in a real life drama of women.  It was brutal and infuriating.  I racked up a few enemies, and shed a few tears.  Women of the 'burbs can be brutal, especially over territory. 

Time has passed.  Many of my wronged friends have not forgiven or forgotten.  I'm not good at holding grudges.  I try to forgive, and I truly don't have the capability to remember how mad I was in the first place.

Here's how I see it.  These moments in life are an opportunity to reflect on yourself.  Clearly I can't be innocent in these situations, even if I do feel like the victim.  Did it have to go down like that?  Could I have handled it differently?  It's a learning experience for all involved.

Also, there has to be good in just about everyone, right?  I mean, let's exclude serial murderers and dictators... but the rest have people that like them.  There has to be a reason.

One woman is in my life whether I want it or not.  We have kids the same age, and are at the school together.  It just makes practical sense for us to get over this.  She has been nothing but supportive and nice to me since the "incidence."  This got me wondering if we both got tied up in someone else's fight, on opposite sides.

My son was invited to play at their house.  When I went to their house... I stayed for an hour.  I chatted with this woman.  I heard funny stories.  We shared parenting stories.  I discovered something.

I really like her.

In a different situation, I think we would have instantly been friends.  Sadly, we took a long and difficult road instead. 

Our youngest kids are in second grade.  That's a whole lot of years to mend fences.  I don't know if others relationships will ever forgive and forget.  I don't know if others will ever get to this place.  I don't know if damage others have done will effect all future chances for the bystanders to be friendly.

I'm happy to report that I see a slow, healing friendship in the works.  We may never be best friends, but that's okay.  I feel peaceful and happy leaving the past behind.  I enjoy getting to know her.  I see the possibility of drinking coffee together in our future.

Maybe I'm a patsy.  But I'm a happy patsy, with a happy heart, that always has room for kind people in my life.

We all make mistakes

While discussing general "how to live in this world" topics with my kids, I touched on some of my most remembered life lessons.  Not necessarily the biggest, just the ones I remember most.  There are several, and they have helped shape my life.

May 15, 1981, Sacajawea elementary, Mrs. Williams' second grade class.

Ok- wish I could act like I have a photographic, brilliant memory, but actually I only remember the date because it was my birthday.

I remember my 8th birthday was either a Monday or Wednesday, because I distinctly recall it being either Monday marriage day or Wednesday wedding day.  I entered my second grade classroom to pure chaos.  Boys and girls were playing chase all over the room, hoping to catch that special someone for a marriage or wedding.  (You tag them, they have to marry you... if only life was that easy).

Mrs. Williams sat at her desk, silent, with her face propped in both hands.  I know that look now.  I actually knew that look then.  The calm before the storm.  That teacher was about to blow! 

Knowing this, I sidestepped a few potential grooms, and made my way to my desk.

Within minutes, the yelling began.  Boy was she mad.

She lectured and scolded, and then sent four particularly bad offenders outside the classroom to put their heads down.  One was my neighbor Dean.  By the way, totally would have let him catch me on a Monday or Wednesday.  Two others were called... and then me.

It wasn't me!  It was Heather, a first grader in this split class, with the same long honey blonde hair.  I didn't do it!  It was my birthday.

These are all things I should have said, but I didn't.

I spent the morning with my head down, and my mom brought a cake to the classroom in the afternoon.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this.  Keep reading.

January 2001, Minnehaha elementary, my own first grade class

In January that year, I was very pregnant, teaching first grade at Minnehaha elementary.  One day at lunch, I sat next to a substitute teacher in the staff room.  It was Mrs. Williams.  This next part will show the dedication and love of my second grade teacher.  She turned to me, all grown up and puffed out from third trimester pregnancy, and said, "well, little Sammy Williams."

It was a wonderful lunch, sitting next to my beloved teacher, listening to her happiness that I, too, had gone into the profession.

I told her my second grade birthday story.  She was horrified, and astonished that I remembered it.

I explained to her that it was an important life lesson to me.

What had I learned?

Adults aren't perfect.

When you work with kids, you try to make each feel special and important.  You try to connect with each and every one, as impossible as it may seem.  I learned that day that teachers make mistakes.  Parents make mistakes.

Working with children is a marathon, not a sprint.  She made a mistake and the world didn't end.  She made a mistake, and it was okay.  The first year I taught, I made mistakes.  I also knew that the world wouldn't end, and the students wouldn't hold a grudge, and we'd all be okay.

Only thing better than having someone influence and touch your life is being able to tell them.

It was the best school lunch period ever.