Monday, October 24, 2011

October *sigh*

"...writing induces melancholy. It is lonely. You’re alone, alone, alone, a hermit, an absolutely intolerable person, and then you finish...", 
-Claire Tomalin

angel of melancholy
autumn edition

October used to be my favorite month of the year.  Not a lot of rain, the smell of autumn in the air, Halloween and harvest celebrations, and occasional surprises of sun that beg you to keep your shorts out just a little longer.

Substitute teaching may have changed that.  There are long periods early in the school year where subs are just not needed.  And the house is so quiet. Don't know what to do with myself.  Then when you finally get that sub call... you just wish for one more day of this dreaded solitude.  Ugh.  Public schools.

Now the jobs are lining up, and I feel... indifferent.  I was restless with how things were,  and now I'm just not excited about how things will be.  The grass doesn't seem green on either side.

I love teaching.  I love children.  I love the whole stinkin' educational community.  I don't love borrowing students from another teacher.  I don't love fitting my own teaching style in someone else's environment.  I think I just want a classroom to call my own.

But... I'm picky.  I want to teach the grade I want, the way I want, at the school I want.  This doesn't seem likely to fall in my lap.

So what do I do?  Lower my expectations for the opportunities life brings, or hold out for the miracle that will truly make me happy.  Hmmm...

Last week was a very long week, and I didn't even remember I'm supposed to love October. My job is to be everyones sunshine, but even I can't always do that. Forgive my one blue week, my one blue post.

So for now, I will fall back into the solitude of writing, which will clearly not lift my spirits.  Hopefully my friends will send help soon.  And snacks.

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